Uncategorized – The Lonely Mom

do NOT have a baby to fix your marriage

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He is caring, kind, family oriented, self motivated, loving, sweetest man I’ve ever met. Not to mention he is so unbelievably handsome. He is my perfect partner and I love him so much. He is always doing kind gestures, he says the right things, his actions match his words. We have the relationship all our friends are jealous of.

And having a baby challenged ALL OF THAT

When our baby was 3 months old, I wanted a divorce. My emotions were running high, he could do nothing right in my eyes, we bickered constantly. Nitpicking at one another’s parenting styles. It got really bad when the baby was crying. We would get mad at one another as if it was the other persons fault the baby was crying. He would be going to work, and I would resent him for getting to leave. And he would resent me for getting to spend the day with our baby. It was a vicious cycle. How can you see eye to eye when you always think you’re in the right. How could we go from being so in love to despising each other in such a short amount of time.

To make matters worse I couldn’t tell anyone about the problems we were having. We were the perfect couple in everyone’s eyes, the couple that never even disagreed prior to having a baby. How could we go from being best friends to worst enemies within a few months. Having a baby with the person you love is supposed to bring you closer together. So how could this have happened? We both love our son, we both love each other, but we just can’t seem to agree on literally anything.

That’s one part of having a baby that no one talks about. The early on fights that you and your partner getting into. The feeling of being so overwhelmed, and sleep deprived. Not seeing eye to eye on anything. We’re a lot better now, but nowhere near what we used to be. Do not have a baby to fix your marriage.

anxiety creeps inside of me

It’s been days since I’ve talk to any of my friends. No one reaches out to me, I have to message them first. Maybe it’s because I’m a new mom and everyone thinks I’m sooooo busy. I’m not. Maybe it’s because whenever they asked me to do something I have to run it by my husband. My life isn’t like there’s anymore. I don’t do things for myself because I can’t. I am no longer my #1 priority. I have this perfect little human who’s counting on me. And don’t even get me started on the separation anxiety I feel everytime I leave. Whether it be 10 minutes or 2 hours, I don’t enjoy myself when he’s with me. But if I were to bring him with me, I have this overwhelming feeling. Not to mention I have to pack up half my house. I’m constantly at battle with myself.

I have to go back to work in a month. What I’ve been longing for, social interaction. But I am absolutely dreading it. No one can take care of him the way I can, no one knows what he needs like I do. The constant what if‘s run through my mind. He’s my baby and I protect him like no other. I love him more then I ever thought imaginable. But I can’t help but miss my old life

Will this ever go away? Will I ever go back to how I was before? Will I ever feel normal again?

to get the story straight..

I’m a mom to a wonderful, happy, joyful, amazing little boy. He is currently 9 months old, it is such a fun age where he is learning everyday and growing like a weed. He is my pride and joy. I am beyond proud to be his mom. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea..I love my son and I love spending all day everyday with him, I would not change it for the world! But sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely. Being on mat leave is lonely.

When I was pregnant everyone would talk about the joy of having a baby and they were so excited for you. No one ever told me the struggle of being alone so often. The isolation. The sadness. The anxiety. The feeling of being so overwhelmed. Mom guilt. All these new emotions that I can’t even being to explain to my friends and family because they will not understand.

Some days I don’t interact with anyone, other then my baby and husband. It’s only human nature that I want to feel connected to others. But being on mat leave, being a new mom, in the middle of a pandemic is just a different than anyone I have in my life. I’ve even lost some friends due to having a baby.

That’s crazy to me. I lost friends because I had a baby. The most amazing special thing in my whole life was having a baby and I lost really good friends because of it. I wouldn’t change that if they don’t understand I don’t want them in my life, but how sad that some thing that brings me so much joy could also make people not want to be my friend anymore?

I love my son and would do anything in the world for him but I am lonely.